星期三, 11月 29, 2006

生日提醒 -- 打屁股

我今年十九歲,這是我第一次離家在外過生日。我好想念我的家人,很奇怪的,我想念我爸爸的生日傳統。

我爸爸是個嚴格執行紀律的人。我們從小到大總是會被打屁股,但這並不算什麼,因為我和哥哥都是乖小孩。我模糊的記得在我比較小的時候,比較常被打,但我清楚的記得,在我十歲以後就很少被打了。

除了每年生日的打屁股!爹地從我五歲開始每年生日打我屁股,我光著屁股趴在爹地大腿,爹地用他的大手打我的屁股,一歲打十下。我十三歲那年,他開始用木製的板子打我,這更痛了!(我還是赤裸著屁股趴在他大腿上)

我哥哥也跟我一樣,依著同樣的方式被打屁股。當其他的小孩興奮的提起他們十六歲的生日,我和我哥哥只有不太自然的互看一眼......。我們很高興長大,高興有新的權利與責任,但我們並不喜歡要被打屁股。至少那個時候我是這麼認為。

我記得我十五歲生日那年,我非常想要有一個生日派對,媽咪答應我可以舉辦。我邀請了很多朋友,還有一些我喜歡的迷人的男孩^^,這真的是一個很棒的派對,有著蛋糕、冰淇淋......,又因為這是星期五晚上,每一個人都可以留得晚一點。我們大家一起看星際大戰錄影帶,一起狼吞虎嚥的吃東西。我們一直玩到十一點,父母都來接他們的小孩了,大家才回家。我記得當我送走最後一位客人和他說再見,關上門時,我好快樂。我收到一些很酷的禮物,而且有一個我偷偷暗戀的男孩跟 Martha Peterson 說他喜歡我,一想到我就覺得不好意思。我聽到爹地深沉的聲音響起。

「嗯,親愛的,這真的是一個很棒的派對。不過我認為現在該是你生日打屁股的時間了,你認為呢?」

我的世界立刻墜落><",一想到待會要面對的,我就覺得胃好痛~~。我根本完全忘記了這個生日的例行公事,我忘得一乾二淨!它就這麼突然地出現在我眼前!這些禮拜我一直很恐懼、害怕真的會實現......因為我今年必須被打150下!! 我不甘願地.慢慢地跟著爹地上樓到我的房間,換上睡衣,我走過去橫趴在爹地膝上,把睡褲和內褲拉下。幾乎就跟去年我上一次被打一樣,我腦海裡只有唯一一個念頭,我待會一定會很痛! 爹地溫柔地輕輕地拍著我的屁股,將板子放在我屁股上,跟我的皮膚接觸著,我可以清楚的感覺到那又冷又硬的木頭板子,我知道那將會使我非常的痛。 「Darla,你知道我是愛你的對不對?」 「是的,爹地。」 「你知道我會打你屁股是因為我將一整年都不用這麼做,你知道的,對不對?」 「是的,爹地。」 「如果你想做什麼不乖的事,這將會是一個很好的提醒。」 「是的,爹地。」 「你準備好了嗎?」 「我...我...想是的。」 「小女孩,今年你十五歲了,所以是150下,我恐怕這可能會很痛,但是我想你就快成年了,應該可以承受的住。」 接下來,他就揚起板子開始用力的打我屁股,打了好久,好像永遠都不會停。雖然只是比去年多了十下,但感覺似乎多了好多...感覺好糟糕。木板就這樣持續的.重重的打在我屁股上,我很努力的克制自己不要大叫出來,不要扭動掙扎得太厲害...... 但還是忍不住哭了出來,眼淚不能克制的一直流,身體不住的顫抖。當我被打到75下的時候,我還記得我是那麼的沮喪,情緒令人難以置信的低落......竟然才進行到一半!!>"<

終於打完了,爹地幫我穿上褲子,把我抱進他懷裡,讓我坐在他腿上,他親密的緊緊的抱住我,告訴我他是多麼的愛我,他替我抹去眼淚,替我將檔到眼睛的頭髮撥開撫平,親吻我的臉頰。

我永遠都記得這種感覺,被爹地打完屁股後窩在他懷裡那種溫暖、安全的感覺。爹地用他強而有力的臂彎呵護著我,我用我全身的力量緊緊的抱住他......真的很奇怪,我從來就沒有發覺這不太合理,一切發生得那麼自然,就像是本來就應該這樣的。

記得我最後一次被爹地打屁股是在我十八歲那年, 我高三,漂亮且受歡迎。我計劃要上大學唸法律。爹地是那麼的以我為榮^^。「這是最後一次了...」當他指引我趴到他腿上時,他輕輕的說,「妳已經是個大人了,不再需要打屁股了...」。

我感到害怕不安......雖然我光著的屁股爹地已經看過很多次了,當他脫下我的褲子時,我脹紅了臉,我覺得好丟臉...。 我卻點興奮.期待爹地...有點喚起性慾的感覺......,但是我討厭那個木板。痛!痛!痛!除痛還是痛~!我整整被打了半個小時!(我有偷看到時鐘)

被爹地打完後,我像個嬰兒一樣依偎在他懷裡啜泣。他跟我說他愛我。我在他懷裡坐了很久,聽他講我的未來、我的職業......聽他講他期許我成為什麼樣的人。他灌輸給我一些生活的準則、道德標準,告訴我我將會是一個傑出又堅強的人。爹地讓我覺得自己是那麼的獨一無二,那麼特別,我有能力可以做到所有我想做的事。我記得那天晚上,我擁著好大一個微笑入眠:),我對未來充滿期待,我一定會讓爹地為我驕傲!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

看看時鐘,已經是凌晨三點了!我睡不著!我滿腦子所想的就是爹地那糟糕又奇妙美好的生日打屁股。我起床看著窗外,宿舍外面又黑又安靜,我的室友睡得很熟,大概就算地震來了也搖不醒她。我小心翼翼的拿起電話。

「爹地?」
「Darla,妳怎麼了?」
「沒什麼事啦...爹地,我只是想跟你說,我好想你...」
「嗯...親愛的,沒關係,我也很想妳。我希望你可以回家過生日。」
「我知道,你今天早上跟我說過了。」
「那...你這個週末會回來對不對?」
「一定會。」
「很好。」我可以從他低沉的聲音裡面聽出掩蓋不住的感情,這讓我心理覺得好溫暖。
「爹地?」
「嗯?」
「我知道我已經長大了,我知道...我...我應該已經不再需要它了,不過...嗯...你覺得......我是說......現在我生日已經沒有什麼活動了,我星期五要回家過生日......你...可以......?」 我實在沒有辦法說出口......

在一陣靜默之後,我聽到爹地那總是堅決的、有自信的、感覺安全可靠的聲音。

「親愛的,你是想要生日的打屁股嗎?」
「嗯,對。爹地,我睡不著。」
「那當然沒有問題,親愛的,我們星期五見。讓我想想......這是妳十九歲的生日,對嗎?」
「嗯。」我的聲音洩漏出我的緊張......
「好,我愛你。」
「我也愛你,爹地。」

我安靜地掛上電話,輕輕的滑進床裡,我的胃又開始痛了。星期五似乎很快就到了,我不禁戰慄起來,我到底在做什麼?我是不是瘋了啊?我一直等不及的就是這挨打停止的一天......而我現在卻實際的乞求能在被打一次屁股......我搖搖頭,躺到枕頭上。不到幾秒我就平靜的睡著了。

星期二, 11月 28, 2006

Birthday Spanking

  I'm nineteen years old and it's my first birthday away from home. I really miss my family , and strangely enough, my father's birthday tradition.

  My father is a strict disciplinarian. We were always spanked growing up , but it wasn't a big deal or anything. My brother and I were pretty good kids. I vaguely remember get spanked a lot when I was really young, but I can only distinctly remember a few spankings after the age of ten.
  
  Except for the birthday spankings , that is. Daddy started those when I was five years old. Ten spanks for each year, delivered bare bottom across his lap with his hand. When I turned thirteen he switched to a wooden paddle , and that really hurt.(It was still in the bare across his lap.)
  
  My brother got them too , just the same way. When other kids were talking excitedly about their 16th birthday my brother and I just looked at each other rather uncomfortably. We were glad to grow older and enjoyed the new freedoms and responsibilities , but we didn't enjoy the spanking. At least that's what I thought then.

  I remember my fifteenth birthday. I wanted a party really bad and my mom said I could. I invited over lots of my friends and a number of really cute boys I liked. It was a great party, with cake and ice cream and since it was a Friday night everyone stayed late and we watched _Star_Wars_ on video and pigged out. Finally at eleven o'clock everyone had to leave and parents began arriving, picking up their kids. I remember feeling so happy as I waved good-bye and closed the door after the last guest. I'd gotten some cool presents and one of the guys I secretly liked had told Martha Peterson that he liked me. I was blushing as I thought of this when I heard my father's deep voice.

  "Well , now, that was a great party , dear. I think it's now time for your birthday spanking ,don't you think ?"
  
  My world just dropped out from under me. I felt this huge hole in my stomach as I thought of what was to come. I'd totally forgotten about the birthday ritual and it all came back suddenly, the weeks of dread and the horrid realization that this year I'd get 150 smacks !
  
  I slowly followed my father up to my room and changed into my pajamas. Then I went across his lap and down came my pajama bottoms and panties. It had been almost a year since my last spanking and all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.
 
  Daddy patted my bottom gently and placed the paddle against my skin. The wood felt cool and hard and I knew this was going to hurt.

  "You know I love you, Darla, don't you?"
  "Yes, Daddy."
  "I do this so that I don't have to do it throughout the year, you know that, right?"
  "Yes, Daddy."
  "It's a good reminder of what will happen if you disobey."  "Yes, Daddy."
  "Are you ready?"
  "I-I suppose."
  "This year you are fifteen, so that's 150 smacks, girl. This is going to hurt, I'm afraid, but you are becoming an adult. You can take it."

  Then he spanked me hard and long. It seemed to last forever. Even though it was only ten more than last year it seemed much, much worse. That paddle just kept slamming into me and I wept and tried not to cry out or wiggle to much. I remember how incredibly depressed I was when we reached 75--we were only half done !

  When it was finally over Daddy pulled my panties and pants back on and made me sit in his lap. He hugged me tightly and told me how much he loved me. He wiped away my tears and smooth my hair out of my eyes and kissed my cheek.
  I always remember feeling warm and safe in his arms after his spankings ,and I would hug him impossibly hard and hold on to him with all my strength, as though he could protect from his own firm hand. Strange, but back then I never realized the incongruity of it. It just seemed natural.

  I remember last year's spanking. I was eighteen, a senior in high school, popular and pretty, and planning to go to college and study law. Daddy was so proud of me. "This is the last time," he whispered as he guided me across his lap. "You are an adult now and don't need this any more.

  I just felt fear and dread. My face flushed terribly and I felt impossibly humiliated as he pulled down my panties , even though this had happened many times before. There was a degree of excitement and arousal and anticipation, as always, but there wasn't much pleasure about the paddling. It just hurt! And hurt and hurt and hurt! It lasted about a half hour(I looked at the clock ).

  I was sobbing like a baby when he finished and gathered me in his arms. He told me he loved me and talked with me a long time about my career, the future, and what kind of a person he wanted me to be. He spoke of the values he'd hoped he'd instilled in me and how good and strong a person I was. He made me feel so special and capable of accomplishing anything I set out to do. I remember falling asleep that night with a big smile on my face, my heart pounding with excitement about the future. I would make my daddy proud!

  I look at the clock. Three o'clock in the morning! I still can't sleep. All I can think about is my father and those terrible, wonderful birthday spankings. I get out of bed and go to the window of my dorm room. It is dark and quiet outside. My roommate is sound asleep. She sleeps through earthquakes. Carefully I pick up the telephone.

  "Daddy?"
  "Darla! What's wrong !"
  "Nothing, Daddy. I-I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you."“
  "Oh , honey, that's nice. I miss you too, you know. I wish you could have been here for your birthday."
  "I know. You said that this morning."
  "Well, you are coming home this weekend, right?"
  "Definitely."
  "Good." His deep voice couldn't disguise the deep emotion he felt. It made me feel all warm inside.
  "Daddy?"
  "Yeah ?"
  "I know I'm a big girl now, and I certainly don't _need_ it, but…… do you think …… I mean , it won't be on my birthday or anything ,but I'll be home on Friday. Could you ……?” I couldn't voice what I was saying.

  There was a long pause. Then I heard my father's voice, firm and confident as always, safe secure.

  "You wanting a birthday spanking, honey?"
  "Yes, Daddy, please. I can't sleep."
  "No problem, dear. I'll see you on Friday. Let's see…… you're nineteen today, right?"
  "Uhuh." My voice betrayed my nervousness.
  "Good. I love you."
  "I love you too , Daddy."
  There was a click and the room fell silent. I slipped back into bed with a familiar pit in my stomach. Friday suddenly seemed to much closer. I shivered. What had I done? Was I crazy? All my life I couldn't wait for those spankings to end. Now here I was practically begging for one. I shook my head and leaned back onto my pillow. In seconds I was sleeping peacefully.

星期一, 11月 27, 2006

星期四, 11月 09, 2006

萌芽

從小就是個乖乖牌,守本分的念書,跟著升學制度的規則一步一步走。也算是很幸福的,我的父母並不太體罰小孩,我所遇到的老師也很少體罰,頂多是罰罰站、打幾下手心而已,再加上我也沒犯過什麼大錯,就這麼穩穩的一路長大。

小時候臺灣的電視只有無線三台,當時節目都是很乾淨健康的,隨著科技進展,有線電視普及了,網路發達了,但我們家仍停留在那三台的年代。所以,我一直沒有看過A片,我對於「18禁」充滿了好奇。還記得國中畢業旅行時,我們住旅館的時候,大家還在那邊轉臺想找A片,結果沒找到,害我好失望......

可是現在回想起來,在那時候,我就有SP傾向了。

我國小時,有一本隨身的字典,無聊時我很喜歡看字典。那本字典上所有有關SP的字、詞都被我折頁,不管是「處罰、笞、挨打、鞭、鞭子、挨打、懲罰、刑……」等,通通被我翻遍了。現在翻出那本字典,會看到裏面大大小小的折頁,注意看,那一頁前後翻翻,一定會看到屬於我們的「關鍵字」

那時我家訂閱國語日報,有天開始連載一篇得了紐伯瑞獎的小說「挨鞭童」(The Whipping Boy),故事說一個國家的王子,他有一個挨鞭童,調皮搗蛋犯錯的時候,王子不用真的挨打,他只要在旁邊看,當老師處罰完挨鞭童時,他只要表現出知錯悔改的樣子,就可以過關了,所以王子都不學習,但挨鞭童跟著卻讀會了很多書,有天王子跟挨鞭童一起被綁架了,綁匪要王子寫信回家要求贖金,結果只有挨鞭童會寫信,綁匪就相信他才是王子,認為真正的王子是挨鞭童,就狠狠的揍了真王子一頓。故事最終,就是王子獲救了,因為王子嘗到了挨打的滋味,回到皇宮後就不再調皮搗蛋,認真學習,也跟挨鞭童成了好朋友。

我好喜歡這個故事,當我被要求睡午覺卻睡不著時,我就趴著幻想著我是那個挨鞭童。

還有其他的素材,只要是在電視上看到相關的片段,不管是公堂上的「給我拖下去,重重的打一百大板」,或是鄉土劇中媽媽揮舞著藤條「死囡仔,教你讀書不讀書」,雖然大部分都不真實,只有看到人在揮舞板子,沒有看到屁股,但那樣的情境都成了我幻想的素材。

印象最深的,是我小四有一個同學,她的媽媽要求很嚴格,媽媽還規定她交的朋友一定要是考試前十名以內的,不然就不可以當朋友。我有一陣子跟她很好,有天晚上我打電話給她問功課,結果我們電話講到一半,她媽媽竟然開始處罰他了!我在電話那一端,就聽到她硬是被叫了過去,然後就是媽媽教訓的聲音、挨打聲、哭聲、與求饒的聲音…我竟然,聽到捨不得掛上電話…
隔天我問她:「你昨天還好吧…」
她說:「昨天是媽媽在結算我這幾天犯的錯,打屁股,像是我每天早上起床要是賴床就會被記起來,累積一定數量我就會被打…」
「她用什麼打你阿,你還好吧,聽起來有點嚇人,我後來就掛電話了」
「登山棍阿,還好啦,我相信媽媽打我是為我好……」

1999年,家裏買了電腦,接了網路,我簡直是迫不及待的想看看所謂的色情網站是什麼?
但面對著搜尋引擎,我不曉得要輸入什麼關鍵字好,最後我決定輸入「SM」搜尋……

其實SM到底是什麼,我也不曉得,只知道當電視小說隱約談到SM話題時,都會有個鞭子出現!

因為日文對我而言就鬼畫符,完全看不懂。所以我都找歐美的網站看,第一次看到那些SM Top100的網站,還蠻興奮的,我葷素不忌的什麼都看,捆綁、夾子、鞭打、夾乳頭什麼的,我都很好奇,直到我的目光停留在一張紅通通的屁股上!只記得,我的視線就像是被吸住了,存下那張圖片,並開始想找看看有沒有其他類似的。然後認識spank這個詞,發現原來也有spank Top100 !!

當時家裡是使用電話線撥號56K上網的,只要我一上網就會佔用家裡的電話線,又覺得費用貴,所以我都會開一大堆視窗,讓我想看的圖片網站讀取完畢後,離線了再慢慢觀看。在這樣的情況下,我絕對不會浪費任何一點時間去什麼討論區爬文或是進聊天室,我也沒安裝什麼ICQ,我需要快速的找到想要的,收藏起來再慢慢品嘗。所以在那時,搜尋引擎是我的好朋友。

沒多久,2001年在機緣下家裡裝上了寬頻。突然發覺,這是包月制的,我不用趕時間可以慢慢的、任意的遨遊。當時奇摩開始提供「家族」服務,任何會員都可以容易的組家族,讓有共同興趣的朋友們加入家族聊天討論。各式各樣的家族如雨後春筍般的成立,也包含不少的spank家族。我開始泡聊天室,尋找同好們聊天,話題從「你是男生女生?」開始,到「為什麼會喜歡打屁股、喜歡什麼情境」、到日常生活互動,我們還在聊天室裡設定情境,分配角色,並開始線上對話即時演出SP話劇。享受SP情境,也挑戰即時反應。我也是在那個時候認識鬼才的,但那時我們並不熟,只是知道彼此而已。

當時創作風氣並不盛行,討論區上面都是一堆轉貼來的,敲邊鼓的文章,例如某某學校發生老師體罰學生、某某廟宇用打屁股的方式為香客祈福、或是新加坡發生鞭刑如何如何。國外網站上偶會看到些故事,但讀起來要花些力氣,在不確定內容好不好看的情況下,通常選擇是跳過……

直到一位網友spanker51推薦了我一部小說「Birthday Spanking」,他說保證好看!!!我就慢慢讀著,靠著字典輔助,將小說內容翻譯了出來。這是我的第一篇作品,也從此以後每次生日都有人家鬧著要打我屁股……

女生泡在成人網路上總是比較吃香,我從來不主動跟人搭訕,但總是會有源源不絕的來源可以聊天,雖然有很多垃圾訊息,例如「一夜情嗎?」「一次多少錢?」,不過時間可以過濾出真的同好。當時認識的老朋友們,像是星玩者、小玲、Spider…後來還有來參加我和鬼才的婚禮呢。

我第一次跟同好約出去見面,也是spanker51。台北植物園裡面有一棟建築,「布政使司衙門」是甲午戰起,巡撫唐景崧曾分其西畔房屋設籌防局。日軍據台,占為總督辦公之所。
  
衙門耶!!!那是一個多麼吸引人的地方阿,他會不會有公堂呢?有沒有犯人在這挨過板子呢?我們約了一起去這個地方看看……

可惜的是,我們沒做好功課,時間不對,衙門沒開門,我們只看到了深鎖著的紅色大門,只好在外面植物園走走聊天,漫無目的的閒聊著他的學生、生活上的一些瑣事…,後來也忘記是誰先開啟了SP這個話題,我知道他想跟我實踐看看,聽著他的暗示,我有點猶豫卻也沒有拒絕。不過看看眼前,我們手邊沒有工具,也沒有合適的地點,所以在他的提議下,我們出發去了淡水。聽說淡水老街的工藝品店有賣藤條?
  
路上,我有點敷衍的回應著spanker51的話,心理盤算著,其實是很心癢的,想著想著似乎屁屁也癢了起來。就在這麼帶點衝動下,我跟spanker51說:「我們試試看,不過我不脫褲子喔!」他說:「可是你今天穿的是牛仔褲耶,」「不管,反正我不要脫褲子,不然就先不要玩。」我搶著打斷他的話。當然,他還是同意了。當他在老街找到藤條的時候,多開心阿;我嘴上裝得有些害怕,心裡卻是有期待、興奮的感覺。
  
現在回想起來,真的,我只在意不要有太多親密的動作,例如不要脫褲子,卻不在意等下屁股會受到多少災難,一點兒也不怕痛。當我趴在床上翹著屁股時,spanker51問我要打幾下,我沒什麼太多考慮的就回答,「一百下好了。」
  
不曉得spanker51有沒有嚇到,因為我趴著也沒看到他的表情,他說「那就當你是衙門裡的女犯人,被判了一百大板。」「恩。」「那我要打囉」「恩。」趴在床上墊了一個枕頭,就像是我平常也趴在床上幻想那樣,牛仔褲檔有點緊的卡著,似乎有點潮濕。這也是我堅持不想脫褲子的原因,不想讓人家發現,原來我會那麼「性」奮。

也許是牛仔褲保護著,或也許是他一開始不敢用力,我覺得有點兒痛,但還在可以忍受的範圍內。伴隨著報數聲,藤條不慌不忙的一下一下抽在我的屁股上,我只覺得全身發熱,一開始的痛感到後面變得有點兒麻麻的。手腳都是自由的,卻一點兒也沒有想逃離現場,只是抓著空檔的機會收縮著屁股的兩半肉,看能不能稍微紓解一些疼痛。
  
可能是第一次實踐太興奮,我一直飄飄然有點兒沉浸在幻想的情境中,不覺得怎麼痛,他打完100下時,問我要不要稍微拉下褲子給他看一下傷勢,我堅決反對,他又問「那…還要多打幾下嗎」,我卻沒什麼思考的就答應了。就這樣,第一次嘗試SP的屁股又多挨了2~30下藤條,然後我跑到廁所關起門拉下褲子照鏡子。不看還好,一看我就大叫了起來,怎麼會那麼紅阿!整個屁股紅通通的!還有幾條淡淡的懍子!!摸上去燙呼呼的,壓起來有一點點兒、微微疼的感覺。摸起來還好,但就是顏色感覺很壯觀,第一次見著自己的屁股成了猴子屁股的我,打開廁所門就嚷著「不打了」!
   
後來發現,這樣的紅,差不多一天內就慢慢退了,有幾小塊地方有點兒淡淡的紫,壓起來有一點痛痛的。從小就皮,身上沒少過摔倒或跌跌撞撞的傷痕,這點小痛其實是不以為意的。但…這是我的第一次實踐呢!雖然痕跡並不明顯,我洗澡的時候還是很小心翼翼的鎖門,注意著不能讓家人發現;雖然跟網友玩沒有理想中的甜蜜情境,我還是很珍惜的揉著屁股享受這樣有點兒小痛的感覺,揉著揉著也會不小心就神遊起來!當時還偷偷的想著,希望屁股上這樣的感覺能維持久一點呢!
   
現在回想起來,這樣跟網友實踐,還真是有點衝動。但我也蠻幸運的,前前後後碰到了很多好人,我們滿足著彼此慾望無法滿足的那一部份,也都能遵守雙方的底限,有著尊重與禮貌的SP交流。

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